Marriage is easy right?
Finding " the one " is the moment we all wait for, that feeling of being in love, falling head over heels. Butterflies with every touch, your heart sinking when they leave the room. Those feelings should last forever right? Um wrong. I'm sorry, I hate to burst that bubble but this is the reality (if we speak truthfully) we are all faced with. These feelings are new love, the promise of 'this is the one'. These feeling are so important at this time because in turn they lead to marriage , but marriage is so much more. I believe ( In my opinion ) Love itself is a choice. It comes to a point in the time of dating that you both go from really liking this person to Loving this person. If you think about it your heart gets so caught up in attraction that you come to a point of no return, the point where you can see yourself being together for the rest of your lives, that's the moment you decided to love and to be loved. Yes there is romance, yes there is lust, yes there is attraction but these are feelings that lead to the decision to love.
Being a single Mum this is the moment I waited for! But my beliefs in Love where completely wrong, I expected this stage to last forever. I expected the fairy tale and sure this is what we had for a while but then life set in, bills came, we discovered all of the obstacles that we had to overcome. We entered marriage with 2 small children, we both had different ways of parenting, we were raised differently, we both had different dreams, we both had our weaknesses, we fought differently, we had different love languages, I had so many bad experience with sex and past hurts that I still hadn't dealt with.
Discovering all this at once, um can I just say WOW how do you even start dealing with all of this? Yes we fought ... A lot. We had no idea how to even be married let alone deal with all of this. I blamed Tama (my husband) for everything (poor guy). I had to find some way to comb through what was going on inside of me that I had buried and deal with these things one by one. This was the hardest part and in time I could see it was putting such a strain on our marriage, I put his face to every hurt other men had inflicted on me in the past and held him accountable. When I realised this I got help, I had to find a way to let go of the past by confronting every moment of it. I learned to take a step back from emotion and get to the root of issues that kept coming up.
It took work and a lot of it .You know the sound a scratched CD makes? Well that's how I sounded. We would go round and round and round, nothing would change or get resolved. Until we discovered how to argue ending with a result instead of repeating the same thing every time. When it's dealt with, put it to bed and move on.
On the day of our wedding we made a promise to each other that no matter what happens divorce would never be an option, this gave us such freedom in knowing neither of us would ever give up. We could work through these things together. Tama showed me what Love was. He choose to love all of me, he choose to love and be a father to a child that wasn't his, he choose to stick by me as I dealt with my past, he sat and held me as I cried and worked through so much pain. This is love, warts and al , sickness and health - this is it. We wanted to work through everything we possibly could in that first year so we could get on with life. Yes it was hard, but the marriage we have now I wouldn't change for the world. Yes we still have heated moments but as we always say, if you don't fight in marriage are you even fighting for marriage? We love passionately and intentionally, we deal with things as soon as they come up and never as a rule go to bed mad or upset. We learnt each other's love language and always make sure we give each other what they need to fulfil those needs. Because of my past I hated physical touch but that was one (as most men's) of Tama's languages so I learned to embrace it. In the end marriage is selfless, it's about putting the one you love before yourself, it's about being a team.
So fight for your marriage, never go into thinking it will be easy. Look at marriage as a journey. Love each other, make amazing moments. And be in it together forever.