I never thought I would be writing this. Yes I knew the diagnosis of my Father but deep down I never dreamed we would say goodbye. It hurts. Im not going to cover it up and say that I am getting through this. How can you? Children are not supposed to lose their parents when they still need them.... right? I am 27 and can find no meaning in why he was "taken" how can some thing so evil like cancer exist?
I sat at my Fathers beside and did the one thing I never thought I would do. After years of praying for God to save my Dad, I prayed that God would take him. That God would come and free him from all the pain. That God would restore him completely. That God would take him to a place where he could run, he could jump, he could laugh, he could sing. I was his daughter and I was praying that he would go. My heart was torn apart and really it now feels like such a blur. We sat and sang to him, we held him gently and told him over and over that we were there for him. His wife was by his side. He knew that all of his 8 children were there in some form. I ran outside in the middle of the night screaming at God. I was so angry with him! why would he let my Father have cancer and then not take the pain away when I was begging him to? My husband held me for what seemed like hours as I vented to God. As i pleaded for his mercy. Then my husband said something that will stick with me through every storm we ever face. He told me that sometimes things happen and we are not meant to know why, there is a plan for everything and we just have to have faith that it will pass and that we will begin to find meaning.
The next few days seemed to last forever. I sat and watched my family unite one by one. At my Fathers bed side old hurts were swept away, peace came over every single one of us, one by one we said our goodbyes, we laughed, we wept. My Dad was giving us time to grieve while he was still with us we cried rivers.
On Monday afternoon my husband asked if he could bring our two eldest children to say goodbye, with hesitation I agreed. My children stood at the door way and told their Poppa how much they loved him. They cried and said their goodbyes. My eldest Jackson handed us a note which my Mother read to my Dad - Poppa I love you and I wish you could stay here with us but I know you have to go and be with Jesus. Don't worry about Mum and Nana, I will look after them. I will tell the kids you just had to go away. Within moments my Dad started making sounds, he said goodbye to everyone of us and we sang softly as I massaged his legs as I always had with our favourite frakinsence oil he slipped away. There was such an indescribable peace in the room. We cried and held him tight. My Mother was the strongest person in that moment that I had ever seen.
My Dad was free! From every pain. That peace all over his face as the moment he went will stick with me for eternity.
How do our hearts begin to mend? I know with every part of me that I will see my Dad again but how do we go on here missing someone that you saw everyday? That loved you even as you felt unloveable, that loved you so much that he would do anything for you even when you hated them for it. Someone that held your childhood in their hands. Someone that chose you when your biological Father looked the other way. My Dad chose me. And now he is gone.
I have to believe this - That there is something so much greater then who we are, that our minds can not understand why things happen because we have not fully understood the love of a Father, the Father. There were times I hated my Dad for doing things that would help me, that were in my best interested, what if that was what our relationship is like with God. We cry and beg him for answers just as I did with my Dad and then we never understand the answer or sometimes no answer is given. As a child we do not understand that there are things our Fathers must let us go through, even though it hurts them to see our tears, for our greater good. So to must God, He sometimes has to let us go through things that hurt him to see us go through but he loves us so much that he must let us go through it. He is not angry and does not punish good people or any people for that matter. He just loves us and sometimes its a love that we will never understand.
I have to have faith in this. I have to know in my soul that my Dad is happy and I now need to let myself smile. I need to let this weight of saddness lift and remember the beautiful life my Dad lived. The way he loved Jesus over all else. The way he loved me, the way he wanted me to live a fill life. Not to do so would be a dishonour to him. I need to remember that it is ok to laugh and it is ok to cry. It is ok to feel the emptiness of missing him but I also must allow myself to feel the fullness of Gods love.
This is what he would want.
Dad, I will love you forever. Not a day will go by where I don't wish I could hear your voice. You were such a great Father and I will miss you, until I see you again, This is not where it ends xx