A love that can't be broken
The other morning my husband came home from work after a 10 hour shift , he fed our babies and I woke to him asking them to "let Mummy sleep a little longer".
He saw that I had woken and rushed to get my coffee. I sat in awe of the man I had married and the husband he is.
I had worked a 6 day week that week and was exhausted and even though he could hardly keep his eyes open he made the CHOICE to put me before himself and let my body rest. He came back in the room, coffee in hand sat beside me and said baby just talk to me, we talked about little things and big things we said how much we had missed each other that week. He then filled me in on how much Quinn had learnt, what new thing Lachlan was doing and how much fun the kids had been having at school. We just sat, yes it was only 5 minutes but it was 5 minutes more then we had had together that entire week.
Why am I writing this? I am writing this because so many of us think LOVE is a feeling, a feeling that can get stronger, a feeling that can fade. To me , love is not an emotion nor is it a feeling but it is a CHOICE . Feelings are out of our control therefore they can fade however, if love is a choice doesn't it mean we can choose not to let it fade?
When Tama and I were married we went through hell. Neither of us were happy in our marriage, we fought a lot and there was plenty of times I questioned if it was truly what we both wanted. The one thing that stopped us from giving up was the vow we made on our wedding night to each other. We both agreed that no matter what, we were in this together for as long as we both lived, there was no way out for us and we would always fight for our marriage.
It was work, I'm not going to lie. It was incredibly hard but we had made the choice to Love each other no matter what.
I had to learn to "let him in" and he had to learn to talk about how he felt and be open with me. We worked, we grew, we got stronger together and watched as our little family got stronger. We forced ourselves to be conquerors and did what ever we could to keep the "feeling" of love alive.
When 2 people are joined they bring to the marriage different up bringings, histories, past relationships and the first year (the hard year) is spent digging through and finding the values, memories and ways of doing things that are important to us and that are to be brought through to the marriage. How you will as a couple raise feature children. How you will keep your home and how you respond to the other.
Each person has to let go of selfish ways and learn to put the others needs ahead of their own. Both must learn to balance intimacy with romance and be sure each person is getting what they need and want. The first year is hard for a reason, it's the year of learning. I mean come on! How can it be that much of a shock that the house has never magically cleaned itself? Just as a baby's first year is of accelerated growth so is the first year of marriage. Learning to give and take for Tama and I was hard. We are both incredibly stubborn and wanting things our way. But we got through, we learnt how each other worked and by the end of that first year the feeling of the marriage "working" was indescribable. We felt more in love then ever because the choice we had made to love each other no matter what had meant we had the freedom to not only fight through that first year but to face it with unity, with an unwavering knowledge of no matter what we were in this together.
I am in no way an expert but our last 5 years have had more struggles then I can count. We tried for our 3rd baby for a year before falling pregnant , test after test was negative. Yes it was only a year but that year was incredibly hard. We have fought through financial struggles . We sat hand and hand for a month by our sons side as he fought for his life. We watched our son go through months and months unable to breathe from a congenital heart defect . And now we are ships in the night passing as one gets in the door from work while the other is back out the door. But can I tell you something? And I write this all to bring you hope. We are stronger and more "in love" then ever. There is never a day where we second guess if this is what we want or where we don't fight for each other. We are best friends, lovers and we parent with unity. We are team. We are one. You will never hear me say marriage is easy. As my husband says "if your not fighting in marriage are you fighting for your marriage?" We want to constantly get stronger, we want to constantly take new ground and we are the couple we vowed to be.
How do we do it?
When people ask me that I nearly faint every time because that means to them we are actually "doing it" and some days I'll be honest and my totally hot husband and I will both agree we don't feel like we are "doing it". But you asked so here we go.....
GIVE AND TAKE
Have you heard that saying "marriage is all about the give and take"? Well whoever said that was on point in a big way. When we first got married I was a massive taker and I was (ok I'll be honest) all about me and my needs. I love Tama for sure but I needed what I needed and I had to learn that his needs and his wants had to be my priority just like my needs and my wants were his priority. Be kind, be generous , learn their love language and do what ever it takes to meet it. I'm not saying to be a doormat or forget about yourself but I'm Saying love is loving the other more the you love yourself.
Tama has this amazing way of wrapping me up in his arms the moment I walk through the door at night. Everyday it's this reassurance of the spark, that fire is still there and it's strong. I'm not a person who likes physical touch at all and at the beginning of our marriage like I have said in previous blogs , it was hard! I had to learn to embrace and now I can't get enough of him. Sex is one of the most important parts of marriage, it can make or break a marriage. On the same hand it must not be misused, it is not a bargaining chip. It is when you become one.
IM THE MUM SO WE PARENT MY WAY...... RIGHT???
Um wrong! Totally wrong! Just as marriage is 50/50 so is parenting! We sat down and wrote a list of our non negotiables, the parts of parenting that were most important to us, discipline, schooling, upbringing .... We went in 50/50 and it was there in black and white. You must parent in unity or those lovely little ones will play you off each other. Go in as a parental unit and back each other up!
KISS IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!!
So this one was all Tama. After we got married Tama came to me and told me how important it was for children to see intimacy, seeing that love and affection. It makes them feel secure and safe in knowing Mummy and Daddy really love each other. In our house its a big joke, Tama will walk up and kiss me (usually at the MOST annoying times) and the kids all run around us yelling "kissing alert kissing alert" (seriously what must the neighbours think) they love it! I'm not in anyway saying have a make out session but kiss.
Last but definitely not least
Yes, we are going end this the way I started it. Just sit, take each other in, be together. Taking that time out for each other just to say "hey babe I'm here". Communication really is the key. Being open with each other and being there to listen when they need you. I like to vent (a lot ) to poor Tama but I do it because he know me completely and brings me such clarity. So try it, try just sitting.
Let's totally own this whole marriage thing, let's learn to forgive and be forgiven, let's learn to let the past be the past and never go to bed angry.
We all have our own journeys and our own stories. What I have written may resonate with you or inspire you and bring hope. To some of you, your experience may be completely different. I write from my heart, and I write all I do out of love.